The Not-So-Forward Progress of This Pilgrim

An excerpt from John Bunyan's Pilgrim Progress:

"One thing I would not let slip. I took notice that now poor Christian was so confounded that he did not know his own voice; and thus I perceived it. Just when he was come over against the mouth of the burning pit, one of the wicked ones got behind him, and stepped up softly to him, and whisperingly suggested many grievous blasphemies to him, which he verily thought had proceeded from his own mind. This put Christian more to it than any thing that he met with before, even to think that he should now blaspheme Him that he loved so much before.
Yet if he could have helped it, he would not have done it; but he had not the discretion either to stop his ears, or to know from whence these blasphemies came."

How many times in my life have I felt this same way? In my mind, I hear blasphemes against the Lord, and thinking they are my own thoughts and feelings, feel horrid shame and hide from the Lord. How often I don't realize that there is an Enemy lurking about, whispering things into my ears. How heartbreaking and devastating to think you are blaspheming the one I have loved so much...

I didn't realize it today, but that is exactly where my mind has been going to the past few days. Before I explain, let me fill you in on the back story. My husband and I put an offer in on a dream house with a kitchen the size of Texas. Just days later, it became very clear that this was not the house for us. Slightly devastated, I agreed to forfeit our contract. Thus, we again began the search. We had previously seen a foreclosure home that needed some love but had so much potential. Just two hours before we were going to see the house to put an offer on it, we got the call that a contract had just been signed on the same home. So, our accommodating realtors took us to another home that same day, just a few houses down from the first dream home. We fell in love. With the house and the price and everything. It seemed perfect. Two days later, we signed a contract. This house, however, is classified as a "short-sale." The owner of the house passed away and the executor of the estate cannot pay the mortgage so it must be sold. It is about to go into the foreclosure status but for now it currently sits in limbo as a short sale. The only problem with that is that the owner and the bank must agree on the selling price. And we happen to know that the bank flat out rejected the last offer on the house, without so much as even a counter offer. Just a big rejection. And now our offer is sitting somewhere, waiting for a large contingent of people to either accept, counter, or reject it. And I'm scarred to death of that last option.

Since we signed the contract on the new dream home, I have been too terrified to even think about it. And being such a planner, it is killing me not to start making lists of paint colors and which flowers and veggies I will grow in the gardens. I'm too afraid. So I desperately try not to think about it. Of course, that doesn't work either so then I just end up worrying: What if we don't get the house? Where will we find another with that much space for that price? Will we find a house before the tax credit is up? Before our rent is up? Where on earth will we bring our firstborn home to? And when can I start gardening?

Ok, the last one was a little silly, but the other were my real worries. When the worry bug came up and bit me real hard today while I was at work, I immediately called my super calm level headed encourager husband. And, like always, he had the perfect words to say. (You have no idea how thankful I am for this man's presence in my life!)

Red Head and I started talking about my worries and fears and his simple advice was to pray! Just tell the Lord what I am feeling and what I want and trust Him with the outcome! Sounds easy enough, right? Well, to me, that was the hardest thing to do. As we talked, I realized that I had a completely warped view of who the Lord is. I made Him out to be some cynical tyrant who just wanted to teach me some lessons the hard way by getting my heart into something and then snatching it away from me. As if I was two years old again, I thought that was exactly what He did to us the first two times! Get me emotionally attached and then rip it away to teach me to be content in all circumstances. (Although He does want me to always be content, I don't think that is how He would teach me.) But in all honesty, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the reason the first two houses didn't work out is because the Lord was protecting us! There were major issues with both of those houses and I know it was His protective hand upon us. And oh how thankful I am that He is more wise than we are and that He directed our steps.

So why then do I feel like my loving Father is a tyrant? Why am I making Him out to be the bad guy? The one who just breaks my heart? Why do I think He's some mean, malicious God who takes delight in teaching me the hard way?

That is not my God. That is not Jehovah. That is not Yahweh. That's not Jesus Christ. He is my Father, my First Love, my Redeemer, the One who loved me so much that He bought me with His own blood, the blood of His only Son. He is the God who takes delight in me. The Father who delights in giving to His children. He is my Abba. Not a cynic. Not a tyrant.

So where did all those blasphemous thoughts come from? I'm afraid that, just like Christian from Pilgrim's Progress, one of the wicked ones got behind me and whisperingly suggested many grievous blasphemies in my ear. No, that does mean that I can say, "It's all Satan's fault! He made me think that!" No, the fault lies with me, too. This is what the Word says:

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled." 2 Corinthians 10:4-6

It is my job to bring all of my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. I didn't question the thoughts that popped up into my head. Instead, I listened to them. And then invited them in for a conversation. It is a slippery slope. But this was a lesson that I needed to learn. Not because a cynical tyrant wanted me to learn it, but because my loving Father wants me to know Him and trust Him. Mission Accomplished.

So what now? I'm going to pray. I'm going to ask my Father for this gift of a home for our growing family. He knows our needs, much better we even do. And if this is not the house He wants for us, then I will trust Him to show us the right one, taking care of all the needs and special circumstances. But the most important thing is that I trust Him. And trust Him some more. And keep trusting Him. Until I never doubt Him ever again.

Oh how He loves us.