My mind has compiled a list of possibilities to choose from: wife, mommy, Andrew's food supply, Daddy's best friend, sister, daughter, aunt, friend (probably not a very good one right now), housekeeper, trashman, diaper changer and poopy wiper, launderer, personal chef, maid, baker, organizer, shirt ironer, lunch maker, playmate, snugglemate, paci finder, grocery shopper, exerciser, eater, baby calmer, cry soother, book reader, bath giver, cow.... so on and so forth.
Some of those titles, I'm not exactly excited about. But hey, poop won't wipe itself. Others, like snugglemate, I'm totally into. However, all those titles on the list have become my life in the past seven weeks. I now remember, quite fondly, of being home alone at 38 weeks pregnant, sleeping until 10am everyday, eating everything, cleaning house all day, taking naps, and knocking out my to do list daily. It was awesome. I was PRODUCTIVE! However, productivity looks different on the other side of the fence now. Being productive means something completely different these days. It isn't about my to do list anymore. Sure, I still make a mental list everyday of the things that need to get accomplished, but usually only one or two items gets crossed off on any given day. Now, productivity isn't about the quantity of tasks completed- it's about quality. That means quality time with my son, quality naps for him, quality meals for him, quality learning time, bonding time, snuggle time. With all of those things to accomplish, the dishes don't get done as fast and the laundry piles up a bit more than usual.
And, it's time for me to learn that that is ok. I am a stay at home mom. Not a maid. Not a personal chef. I didn't quit my job to take care of household duties. I quit my job to raise our son. Yes, of course, the household things are still part of my duties, but they aren't my first priority, Andrew is. Why is this so hard for me to learn? I kinda thought I was going to be super -mom. I would have a genius baby and a perfectly polished house, a place where nothing was ever dirty or out of place. Now I'm lucky if I can wash my hair or change clothes when I get puked on. And to be honest, I really wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. I love my job. I just can't seem to remember the job description very well. Stay at home mom. What does that entail? A MOM who STAYS at HOME. How hard is that? Mom, not maid, not chef. Mom. Got it. Stay at home. Home, my home, not yours, not the mall, not the grocery store. Stay at home and be a mom. This, my friends, is not for the faint of heart.
Being a stay at home mom is hard . The hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than keeping a 3.8 GPA in college. And it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. More rewarding than graduating magna cum laude. It's hard, frustrating, dirty, isolating, amazing, joyfully sweet, precious, wonderful. It's been a lot for me to adjust to. Life was always wake up, get ready, go to school or work, come home, sleep, repeat. Now the days are so different. And each day looks different, and yet eerily alike.
I'm struggling with my job title. I want to be all those things on the aforementioned list. Most are needs, some are wants. I want to raise my son and have a clean house. But, as I'm learning, it's all about priorities. He is my priority, the dishes can wait. It may drive me crazy to have a dirty house, but teaching my son, snuggling and bonding with him are just way more important. So, it's time I let myself off the hook. If we have a bad day, that's ok. If I don't get any housework done, it's ok. The world won't end. And my husband won't even care in the least bit. But what if he comes home and the house is spotless, a perfect dinner is waiting on him, but our son's needs haven't been met all day and he's sitting in a corner hungry, dirty, wet, and tired? Yeah...
Andrew is why I am at home, he's the reason I'm not sitting behind a desk answering a phone right now. I'm not home for the dishes and the laundry. I'm here for Andrew. So, here is my job title- one I can stick to: Stay at home wife and mom. All the other titles will work themselves out eventually and who knows, maybe one day I will become supermom who can do it all. But for today, I'll settle for some snuggles... and a shower. :)
Well said. That is all I can say!!!
ReplyDeleteHaving worked with hundreds of new moms and been one myself, I would like to remind you of one thing. The idea of individual, isolated mothers sitting in houses alone with babies is relatively new and unique to our culture, and it's not an especially healthy one. It is extremely important to seek connection and support from other women in this life stage. In most times and places, mothers and their children have been part of a village, and in our society we have to find our own tribe. Sitting home all the time alone with baby, no matter how lovable and wonderful and beautiful, is a recipe for PPD. I know that's not exactly what you meant, but had to put it out there.
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