Goodbye, Old Friend

This is where it ends. This is where I say goodbye. This is where I leave all of this mess behind me. This is where I drop off all the baggage and then keep on driving towards the sunset. This is where I lay down the weight that has been on my back for far too long, weighing me down, giving me aches and pains that I can’t even begin to describe. This is the curtain call. Goodbye and goodnight. Please don’t come back.

In January, we signed a contract for our dream house. In March, we heard we got the house. We let our landlord know that the end of April would also be the end of our leasing his house. And now, with nine days left before we have to hand over our keys, we still don’t have a closing date. Everything comes down to one tiny piece of twenty pound copy paper. All someone has to do is push the print button and then this whole thing would be over. We would be in our new house, not facing the task of crashing with family for a few weeks and having to move twice. Just one little pointer finger, clicking the print button. That’s all that is left. I cannot begin to explain how much time, energy, frustration, tears, and emotions I have spent because of that one tiny finger printing out that one tiny piece of paper.

But today, that all ends.

No, not because we finally have a closing date. In my head, I’m convinced we never will. At least not any time soon. No, it all ends today because I. Give. Up. I’m done. Finished. Finito. Draw the curtains and turn out the lights.

At twenty-four years old, I have probably spent at least a few years of my life just worrying. I am a worrier. I worry. About everything and nothing. It is ridiculous. And yes, it is a problem. I get away with it a lot because I am a girl, and even more so now because I am a mother. But what does the Word say about worry? “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:27. What does my worrying accomplish? Nothing. Does it make the situation better or easier or fix the problems that I am worrying about? No, it sure doesn’t. All it does is eat me up inside. I could give you lots of research on how worry negatively affects our physical and mental health, but I sure can’t find even one instance where worrying helped fix a situation. So why do I hold on to my worry like it is my favorite toy or safety blanket? I’m not sure. But I think maybe it is because it’s something that I’ve always had with me, and I don’t know how to get through a trying situation without it. So maybe it is my safety blanket.

But when I can’t give up my worry, because I need it to help me through a situation, what does that say about my relationship with the Lord? It seems I can hold onto that tightly or loosely in any given situation. I can really trust the Lord about something, or seem to not trust Him much at all. But worry? Oh no, I need that. Can’t survive without that. Now does that sound right? Not to me, either. That doesn’t sound like someone who is walking in the Spirit. That sounds like someone trapped in a sin pattern that they don’t even think of as sin. But no matter what I think, sin is sin. So is my worrying sin? Yeah it is. Why? Because it is the fruit of me not trusting the Lord. It is the picture that shows the whole world that I am not loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength, and might. I am loving myself more. And what I want. And how I want the situations to work out.

And today, that is exactly what I want to leave behind. I want to teach our children Deuteronomy 6:4 and not be a hypocrite. I want to trust. With all my heart. Trust in the midst of the storms. When it doesn’t make sense. When there seems to be no earthly way for things to work out. When all hope is lost, I want to trust. And not worry.

I know that just pronouncing this over will not be enough to make it really over. It is going to be a battle. One that I will have to fight every single day until I see the Lord face to face. But I think it is a worthy fight. A noble one. I want to say goodbye to the girl who worries 24/7 and say hello to a deeper, stronger, healthier relationship with the Lord. I want to trust Him. Like the children’s song says, “He’s got the whole world in His Hands.” The rest of Matthew chapter 6 goes something like this: "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ( vs. 28-34)

My Heavenly Father knows that I need a home to live in next weekend. He knows. Better than I do. He knows my whole story. And He knows exactly what He is going to do with this chapter. I’ve never gone without a home, He has always provided for me, and I don’t think He is going to stop any time soon. His Word says that He delights in giving good gifts to His children. So I will choose to believe that. It may be harder than worrying, but I think it sounds a lot better.

From now on, when my husband calls, I don’t want to hope that it is just to tell me we got a closing date. I don’t want to well up in tears the next time a sweet friend asks me if we’ve heard any updates on the house. I don’t want to wait my the phone anymore. Or call everyone I know to ask their opinion on the matter and how they would feel if they were in this situation. And don’t want to get my hopes up that the Lord will just magically give us the blessing now that I have “given this up.” I know it doesn’t work like that. I want to trust. And trust and trust and trust and NOT worry. If you know me personally, you know this is almost like telling the birds not to fly around. Me not worry? My husband may not recognize me! And hey, maybe that’s a good thing!

So, with the Lord’s help, I’m letting go. With His help, I’m taking His hand, trusting that He is in control. He has been down this road before so I’m trusting Him to navigate. Goodbye, worry. I won’t miss you. I hope not to think about you. Please don’t call, don’t write, don’t try to reach me at all. I’m out of the country. For good. No offense, but I hope to never see your ugly mug again. Goodbye, worry. It’s the end for you and me. I’m just not that into you. It’s not you, it’s me. We’re better off as friends- no wait, I think we’d be better off as strangers. So long, farewell, goodbye.