A Pause from our Regularly Scheduled Events....

My Dearest Firstborn,

Sweet Jiji, today is July 15, 2010, just eight days away from your due date. To be honest, I thought that you would have already made your grand entrance by now. And to be even more honest, I feel like I am becoming more insane with every day that passes without your coming. In short, I am so very ready for you to enter this world.

I have been holding you since the day you were first created. Since the day two cells joined together and started making lots of little cells. I've held you everyday for the last nine months;  but for me, that isn't enough. I need more. I need to see your face, to look into your eyes, to kiss your cheeks, and hold you tightly in my arms. You and I know each other so well and yet at the same time we are still strangers. You know me (and my insides) in a way that no one else does. And I know you more than any other human in the world does right now. And yet, we have never met face to face. I don't know what or who you look like. Or even what gender you are! I don't know your personality, besides the fact that you love to kick, get hiccups all the time, and are a night owl like your daddy. I don't know what color your hair is, what color your eyes are, the shape and curves of your face. It's a mystery to me. You are a mystery to me. 

I think about you being knit inside of me, every little centimeter and inch of your growing body being carefully crafted by the Lord. It blows my mind. I remember the very first time I heard your heart beating. It was the most terrifying day of my life, I thought I was losing you. And then, in an instant, I heard your heart beating wildly at the doctors office. My life has never been the same since that day. I've never been the same. That's the day I became a mommy. That is the day I fell head over heels in love with you. Suddenly, you weren't just a thought anymore, you were real. So real. Flesh and blood with a heart that beat and beat and beat. My baby. I never expected you and yet now I cannot begin to imagine life without you. And I cannot even begin to imagine what life will be like when we finally meet face to face. Will you know me? Will you know that I'm your mom? Will you recognize your daddy's voice? You know him, he is the sweet and silly one who sings and talks to you all the time. I hope you recognize us and find comfort in our arms. I hope you know how much you are loved the instant that you meet us. I hope you are overwhelmed with love. 

There are so many things that I want for you, sweet baby. I want you to learn. I want to teach you all about the Lord and the Word and the world and life and all there is to know. I want to tell you who Jesus is, what He did for you , and how He loves you more than I could ever dream to. I want to open the Bible to your little eyes and heart, sharing all the stories and Truth that the Lord gave us. I want you to see the stories leap off the page and into your imagination and heart, transforming your heart of stone into a heart of flesh who knows that there is no life without the Lord and the grace of Calvary. I want your life to be passionately about following after Him, abandoning everything else to seek Him. I know that may mean that He may take you away from me one day. He might send you to a country or land far away for His glory's sake, and although I cannot begin to imagine that, I hope you always know to follow His leading and not mom's. His ways are higher and greater. His dreams for you are even bigger than my dreams for you. And He will love you and protect you and care for you in a way that even mommy can't. Remember, He created you, not me. 

I want to teach you colors and numbers and letters. I want to watch your eyes as you figure things out. I want to see your world grow and expand every day as your little brain grows and grows and stores more knowledge. I want to help you with your homework, your reports, teach you to read, teach you to make your bed and brush your own teeth. I want to teach you how to type, how to grow vegetables, how to bake a cake for your dad. I want to teach you to honor your father and to respect elders. I want to teach you another language (although Daddy may not like me teaching you Russian). I want to share your dreams and your delights. I want to be your best friend and your mentor. I want to be your cuddle buddy, your security blanket, your mommy. I want to hold you, kiss you, squeeze you, make you feel better when you are hurt or sick. I want to show you that you will never be alone in this world. I want you to watch me and Daddy. I want you to see how much we love each other and learn from us what marriage and fellowship mean so that one day you can find love for yourself. I want you to watch us and see that faith is real every day, not just on Sundays. I want you to see us fail so that you can learn what it means to forgive, to repent, and to rely on God's grace and mercy. I want you to watch your father and learn what a man of God really looks like. I want you to see his example and either live up to it (if you are a boy) or to seek a mate like that one day (if you are a girl). 

I want your daddy to teach you how to memorize Scripture, how to love the Word passionately, how to play the guitar and piano. How to love people and enjoy fellowship with others. How to play basketball and ping pong. How to style red hair (if you happen to have red hair), how to be a faithful friend, and how to love unconditionally. I know that Daddy is going to be your best friend. He is definitely the better of the two of us. I cannot wait to see him hold you for the first time, I think it will be one of the best days of my whole life. He is going to teach you so much and love you so much that I don't even have the words to express it with! He's already crazy about you and he can't wait to hold you himself. I hope you know that your daddy is a picture of God's love for you. Your daddy loves you so much, would do anything to protect you and to see you grow, and he is here to teach, lead, and when necessary, correct you. When you see your Daddy's love for you, know that God's love for you is even bigger, even better, even more perfect. I bet you won't even be able to imagine that! 

I hope you like the home we have set up. We worked hard to get it ready in time for your arrival. Daddy worked so hard to paint your room and bathroom (and the whole house!). I painted you a mural on your wall, a tree with a monkey in it. I hope you like it. Your granddaddy made your changing table. It's beautiful. And your Aunt Emily got you that glider so that we could have somewhere nice to have our 3 am feedings and story times. And your grandmomma got you the bedding you will be sleeping on. Its cute, I hope you like it. I put a teddy bear in your crib, it is one that your daddy gave me. His name is Drew Bear, and I know that he will take care of you and comfort you just like he did for me.

There are so many people that love you, sweet Jiji. So many people that can't wait to meet you. Your Aunt Amanda is ready to evict you from your current womb because she is dying to meet you face to face. And your Cousin Nathan can't wait to play with you. Oh my, you have a lot of cousins already: Jacob, Caleb, Joshua, David, Elly, Zech, Blake, Brittany, Michael, Matthew, Maddy, and Nathan. You will have plenty of friends to play with! We will go visit your Uncle Ken and Aunt Shannon down in Atlanta and go swimming at Uncle Eric and Aunt Amanda's house. I'm sure your Aunt Marie will be babysitting you all the time and spoiling you rotten. And if she doesn't, I know for a fact that your four grandparents will spoil you rotten like you can't even believe. They all love you so much and are so ready to meet you. 

Sweet baby, I am so ready to meet you and I hope you decide to come soon. I know it could be up to three more weeks before we meet face to face, but I'm hoping that you will make it sooner. I love you so very much and I am so anxious to see your face for the first time and hold you in my arms. Daddy and I love you and always will. I hope you know that will never change, we will always love you and we will always be here for you- your biggest fans and best friends. 

Come, soon, sweet Jiji. Mommy's ready. 

Love,

Your Mom

Act III

You would have thought that my pride would have been smashed, demolished, obliterated. I had committed a failure of epic proportions. I had facebook friended Red Head before we had actually ever introduced ourselves. And guess what? For all the good points facebook has, one thing it doesn't have is how to "un-friend" someone before they respond to you. So, I was stuck. I imagined Red Head logging onto the internet, checking his email and facebook, finding wall posts and random event invitations, and... a friend request from a secret admirer who forgot the whole SECRET part! You would have thought my pride would have gone straight down the drain right then and there. But then....

wow i didn't even know your name, you're quick. i see you like Jesus. nice! im glad i asked you a question. God really does work in mysterious ways

He. Wrote. On. My. Facebook. Wall. Red Head. He actually accepted my friendship (miracle of all miracles!) and instead of running away screaming and hiding, he wrote on my wall! When I think about it, I can still feel the buzz of adrenaline and excitement when the little email notification told me that Red Head himself had written on my wall. I poured over the little blurb. I read and reread it a million times until I had it memorized. He wrote to me. He knew I existed. Little did we both realize how the Lord works in such mysterious ways. I thought I was just helping God by being a stalker. But, no. I was playing a part in the precious, beautiful plan He had already written for my life. 

So, he had written me. What was I supposed to do? Write him back? Pretend to be aloof? Well, you know me... I had to write him back. 

ha, i've got sweet detective skills. no, i actually just saw you in a picture with my friends jon and kaitlyn. i see you like Jesus, too! that's awesome, i am pretty fond of Him. so, were you as worried by the test speech today as i was? i've got to admit i'm a bit intimidated!

Ha. I was a big fat liar. Yes, I did see him in a picture with my friends. AFTER I stalked his facebook page. Sweet detective skills? I guess you could call it that. Pathetic, would be another word for it. But, alas, I was a little puppy dog for that boy. 

We wrote back to each other once more about the upcoming test and then that was it. I saw him at class the next week, we said hi, and then nothing. Silence. He didn't sit by me like I thought he would. He didn't wait to talk to me after class. He just walked out like his life hadn't changed since meeting me. Ouch, maybe it hadn't ....

Going back to class once more, I chalked up the whole thing to just a silly girl's dream of a gorgeous Red Head and a few too many hormones raging inside her mind. If he wasn't going to make a move to even talk to me or get to know me, clearly I didn't need to waste any more of my time on the matter. It stung, but I knew better than to be the pathetic puppy dog lovesick girl one minute longer. So, I let it go. I could enjoy the sight of God's creation- Red Head's chiseled face, tall frame, and luscious hair- but not let it make me go weak in the knees anymore. Well, truthfully, there wasn't much I could do about the whole "weak in the knees" thing, but I could totally stop myself from staring and drooling. So, that was the end. I was done....

... Until he stopped me after class to talk. We stood outside of our lecture hall as people passed by us, in between us, and seemed to buzz all around us. But he was the only one I saw in the hall that day. I remember hearing people all around us, but he was the only other person in the whole world that afternoon. We talked and talked and talked like we had known each other forever. He told me about his upcoming mission trip to a country in Central Asia. I told him about my plans to go to the Southern Baltic region for two weeks that summer on a mission trip. We seemed to bond instantly. There were so many things to talk about. In fact, as we stood in the hall talking, I never even realized that time was passing so fast. There I was, talking to Red Head. It was magical. I felt giddy and light and free and completely nervous. But I also felt a strange peace inside, one I couldn't put my finger on. It felt... right. But what on earth did that mean?

We talked straight though to the next class period. Oops! I was late for my next lecture! As I tried not to freak out about missing the beginning of class (See, Mom! I didn't always like skipping class! Red Head was a bad influence on me. Haha, just kidding!), I realized that Red Head was inviting me to something. "Wait, what did you say?" He had invited me to NoonDay, a free lunch held every Friday at the Baptist Collegiate Ministry on campus. I told him I had to work and I wasn't sure if I could make it, but that I would try to get off in order to come. Lame, huh? "Hey boss, can I take off work early for the afternoon to go eat a free lunch with a total hunk? Thanks! Oh, and what about a raise?"

He gave me all the info for the Friday lunch and then gave me his phone number so that I could call him with any questions or to let him know if I wouldn't be able to make it. Ok, was this guy just being a super awesome and friendly brother in Christ? Or was he interested in me? Or both? I totally couldn't tell but I desperately wanted to find out more. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get off work for the lunch that week. I sent Red Head a text message to let him know and he was very kind about it. Very polite. Very proper. I was sure that I had just given up my one and only chance with the guy. But again, the Lord had other plans. 

The next Friday, I was able to get off work for the afternoon, so I made my way to the BCM to find Red Head. Of course, I was too much of a chicken to go by myself and thankfully, my precious friend Laura came with me. Once we got there, no sign of Red Head. We got in line to get our food, still no sign of Red Head. We found some friends to sit with, and still- no sign of Red Head. And then, there he was. I saw the back of his head (hair that red is very easy to spot!) and watched as he turned around to look at me. Life was suddenly in slow motion. He caught my gaze, flashed that gorgeous smile at me, and gave me a little half wave. YES! He still knew I existed. Life was good. 

After we got done eating lunch, Laura and I made our way around the BCM, socializing and catching up with friends. I walked from table to table saying hi to all my friends, and then, just like a movie, I turned around only to find myself face to face with Red Head. 

Suddenly, he seemed very shy. He was more quiet than usual. Less talkative. But the few words that he did say were monumental to me. He invited me, ME!, to hang out with him and his friends the following evening. A movie, dinner, and then games. Oh, yes, he definitely knew I existed. And can you guess what my answer was?

To be continued...

Act II

Since I had abstained from any boy-craziness over the past year and since I had absolutely no idea who Red Head was, I thought it best to be cautious and slow. Aka- don't throw myself at him. If anything was ever going to happen, if we were ever going to meet, I wanted him to be the one to make the first move. I did not want to meet him under the pretense of my own longings, but because he wanted to meet me as well. So, I devised a plan. If he was going to sit on the front row, then I would commit social suicide and do the same, risking being seen as a nerd. But hey, I thought he was worth it. I wouldn't make the first move for him but I would put myself in close enough proximity for him to notice and talk to me. I thought my plan was genius. So, the next class period, I sat about four seats down from where he sat the previous class. And, just like clockwork, he came in, sat down in the same seat, and immediately took my breath away. I was amazed at how his presence could do that. Just sitting five feet from him got my heart beating like I was on a roller coaster. And you know what? It was just fun. 

It turns out that sitting in such close proximity to such a hunk didn't do much for my attention span. The geek inside of me wanted so much to pay attention to the awesome lecture we had the privilege of sitting under. I wanted to listen, wanted to soak in all I could to learn this interesting subject (and effectively make an A in the class) but how could I focus on a Supreme Court ruling when the most gorgeous creature in the world sat only a few feet from me? I was pitiful. During the entire lecture, I spent my time staring at his shoes, his backpack, and occasionally I would build up enough courage to sneak a quick peek at his face, which would then turn my own face into a flaming red ball of embarrassment. 

I had it bad. 

Luckily, for the sake of my GPA, Red Head started skipping class. He would come every now and then, make me miss an entire lecture, and then walk out like he hadn't just sent a tornado of emotions right through the small, unsuspecting town of my heart. As the semester wore on, he started coming to class less and less. And eventually, I stopped missing him when he didn't make it to class. I stopped thinking about him on my long drives home. And then, it was like I completely forgot all about him... until the end of the semester, when he decided it was time to come back to class. 

I still remember the day he came back. He walked in with those same light colored jeans, a polo shirt, and the same leather shoes on. As he walked in, I looked up, caught a glance, and suddenly, all the weeks of wishing came back with a vengeance. Just seeing him was enough to reduce me to a puddle. I was a sad little puppy dog...

I sat in the same hard, uncomfortable theater-style chair that I had been in the entire semester. I tried diligently to read through some of the court cases we had been going through. That didn't work. I couldn't hold my attention on anything except the fact that Red Head, that gorgeous creature, was now sitting mere feet away from me again. And then, in the heat of desperation, I made my first attempt to find out anything I could about this boy. 

The professor called the roll. Name after name, I sat in expectation. Waiting. He went through the As, the Bs, the Cs, then to my name in the Ds. Name after name and Red Head never flinched. Never moved. Was he not on the roll? What was the problem? Did I miss him saying, "Here!" ?? And then- a breakthrough. At last! The Ws. The teacher called a final name and Red Head quietly said the first word I ever heard come out of his mouth, "Here!" This may sound pitiful, but if you have ever been in love, you will surely understand. Hearing that one little word pour forth from his lips was like music to my ears. His voice was deep, soft, full of base, and just so smooth. It was music music music. And, finally, I knew his name. And it was the most perfect name I'd ever heard. The kind of name I wanted to pass down to my children. He needed a Junior to be named after him, the name was just too perfect to leave in the past. It rang like music in my ears. And you know what is funny? His first name was the exact same name of the perfect man I always dreamed of marrying in my head. It was my favorite boy name. And this was just too good to be true. 

That day, after two more classes, I went home and straight the computer, pulling up facebook as fast as my DSL would allow. It wasn't fast enough. I was frantic. I needed to know who this person was. I would look him up, probably see that he had a girlfriend or that he was a frat boy or some crazy party guy. But really, I knew he wasn't. If my intuition were right, I would find out that he was even more perfect that I had already made him up in my mind. I was right. 

Yes, I stalked Red Head on facebook. I found his page, skimmed through the About Me section and found a man who was in love with the Lord in a real and beautiful way. His music and movie choices were slightly different than mine, but were more than acceptable. And even better? We had a lot of mutual friends. A lot. So I wondered, how did I not already know this boy? How had I never met him before? I was a little ticked at my friends for never bringing Red Head around for me to meet. But, alas, I knew his name, and blessing beyond blessing- he was single and loved the Lord! At this point, the story was over for me. I needed him to marry me. But wait, I wanted to be single, didn't I? What about all my plans to be a single woman on the mission field? Just like always, the plans that I gave the Lord for my life weren't the same that He had in mind for me. And thus, my plans and ideas unraveled more and more every time I saw and thought about Red Head. 

The next class period, I sat in my usual seat and in walked Red Head, picking the seat just three down from me. I think I remember sweat pouring out of me at maximum speeds. I was nervous beyond words. He was so close. And me, the little puppy dog- I was becoming a nervous pool of sweat. It was bad. And then..... life changed.... again. 

I was doing all I could to read through the Constitutional Amendments in an attempt to keep my eyes from wandering over to Red Head. Hey, I didn't want him to know that I was facebook stalking him, and lets face it, totally entranced by him. I didn't want to scare him away! And by all means, I didn't want him to see the drool inexplicably dribbling down my mouth when I caught a glimpse of his face. Oh, I was a goner! 

So, I sat there, pretending to be reading some amendment, and then I heard it- his voice. That sweet music to my ears. I let the deep soulful voice wash over me, practically bathing in how beautiful it was, until fear struck me. Wait! Who was he talking to? Oh no, was he talking to ME?!?! I looked over at him, and yep, he was talking to me. Oh no! Had he seen my ridiculous face when he first spoke to me? Did he see the drool? Did facebook tell him that I had stalked his page? Wait, what did he say?

He had asked me about the impending test. Had I started studying for it yet? Its funny how I can remember so many things about our first meeting, but I have no idea what I said to his question. All I remember is that I was so tongue-tied that I couldn't even make words come out for a few horrifying moments. He had made me speechless. And if you know me personally, you'll that that was a first for me. I'm never speechless. I always have too many things to say! 

He spoke to me. And I answered something back. I mumbled. I tripped over my words. It was sad. But he had spoken to me. He knew I existed! We said nothing to one another after that. Silence filled the air. But my heart lept with joy. I had talked to Red Head. I was giddy. And then I went home and did something ridiculous. I "friended" him on facebook. The only problem? We had never introduced ourselves to one another in the few words we had exchanged. I wasn't supposed to know his name...oops! 

To be continued...

There are some days that you know will leave a big impact in your life. The day you graduate from high school. Your first day of college. The day you get a job. The day you lose a job. Whatever it is for you, you know the days that I'm talking about. Then there are those few days in your life that drastically and dramatically change your life forever. Well, I want to tell you a little story about one of those days for me... 

I was a second semester Junior at the University of Memphis, majoring in Marketing Management. The semester began just as all the other ones had before it- short first days of class as the teacher passed out the syllabus and went over the class content, expectations, rules, grading, etc. I was completely at home and relaxed in the Fogelman College of Business and Economics. I had been there since the second half of my Freshman year so I was familiar with the classroom I was headed to, although I had never been in the small, theater-style lecture hall. The class was Legal, Social and Political Environments of Business. I walked in, went the the third or fourth row and sat in the middle. The professor walked in, Larry Moore, J.D., a lawyer who had even written his own textbook for the class so I knew already he meant business (haha, no pun intended). But before the lecture ever began, life changed. In just a moment, in an instant, my whole world changed... and I didn't even know it. It is still one of the most vivid memories of my whole life. I sat in the hard, uncomfortable wooden chair in the lecture hall and glanced up as the people walked into the room one by one. I quickly tired of the people watching, but then something caught my eye. The reddest hair I had ever seen. A young man walked into the room with a navy fleece jacket, light blue jeans, brown leather shoes and a black backpack. I was mesmerized. My mouth hung open and my heart skipped at least three beats. He was gorgeous. Although I must admit that one of the first things I thought about this young man went something like this- "He looks like a freshman, though. How could he get into an upper level class? Oh, he must be smart! Ah, gorgeous and smart!!" Yes, I am a nerd. And I've always wanted to pass the best genes on to my children. :) 

So in walks the vision of beauty and guess where he sits? The front row. As a self-proclaimed nerd, I know only nerds sit in the front row. Heck, I wouldn't even sit in the front row, it was too nerdy for me! But there he sat and I stared at the back of his head for the whole class. Although I wanted to listen and pay attention to the genius professor that I was lucky to have as a professor, it was almost impossible. There the Red Head sat and his presence beckoned my stares. 

From the first moment, I was hooked. 

The year preceding up to that day had been one fraught with heartache and learning lessons the hard way. You see, just a year before that fateful day, I had been dumped, left, abandoned in a somewhat long-distance relationship. I had set my affections and hope upon a young soldier who eventually decided that the distance or just the effort wasn't worth it.  I never got any answers or any real closure and so I did what any broken hearted girl would do in such a situation, I hardened up. I decided right then and there that I was done with silly boys and silly broken hearts. I had too many important things to do in life and I didn't need a man to get them accomplished. I could go to the mission field alone. I could be one of those inspiring single women out in the plains of Africa, living every day in reckless abandonment for the Lord. No, I didn't need a man. And I didn't want one. I would learn to be completely content on my own. However, every night I went to sleep lonely and afraid of always feeling that loneliness down deep in my soul. Somehow, someway, I knew I wasn't meant to be alone. But I wasn't ready to face that fact. So I made a pact with myself- no boys for one year. I was only twenty. And despite an occasional crush here and there that I never acted upon, I kept that pact with myself. For a whole year and then some! That fateful day rolled around just a two months later. Funny how the Lord's timing works, huh? 

But, I digress, back the lecture hall. The class ended, Red Head walked out, and I left the classroom in a cloud. I didn't mention him to anyone. I knew it sounded ridiculous. Me, the one who had sworn off boys, just lost her mind over one red headed boy. I didn't even like red heads, they weren't my type, never had I been attracted to them. I liked dark hair and dark eyes. Or blond hair and blue eyes. (Honestly, I liked anything with a cute face. Let's face it, I was shallow!) But one look at the guy's face, his tall, lanky build, the beautiful deep red hair had suddenly and forever changed my life. I knew nothing about him. His name, his age, who he was, if he was a Christian, if he had a police record, if he was an axe murderer or if he was already taken. And there was one other thing I didn't yet realize- I was suddenly taken. Off the market. End of story. 

I don't believe in love at first sight. I didn't know the guy at all. But there is one thing that I do know all the way deep into my bones. I knew, knew, knew that life would never be the same after that day. Some quiet little corner of my heart was screaming as loud as it could that this boy was the one I had been waiting for since the day I heard my first love story, since the day the prince fell in love with Cinderella, since the day my Ken doll married my Barbie doll. I had been waiting on him for twenty-one years. And at the most common time in the most common place, my life became very uncommon, all because one boy walked through the door of a lecture hall and straight into my heart. 

To be continued....