I Remember

I was in the tenth grade when September 11th happened. I still remember that day so vividly. A week later, as the dust began to settle, one of my teachers made us write a letter to our future children, explaining what had happened and how the world had drastically changed in our short lifetimes. This is the letter that I wrote:

September 19, 2001

My Dear Child,

Today is Wednesday, September 19, 2001. It has now been a week since the world stood still in horror and shock on Tuesday, September 11, 2001, as all of America and the world watched two buildings that were once the tallest in the world crash to the ground. Four airplanes were hijacked and crashed into the World Trade Center Towers and the Pentagon. I was sitting in Biology class when it happened but I didn't know anything until almost an hour later. Someone turned on the news and I sat there dumbfounded and confused. I was shocked when I learned the facts.

I'm writing this letter to you today in hopes that I can help you understand this tragic time that I am forced to live in. My generation never knew the threat of a war, or a draft, or even a major terrorist attack. But, now, we do. We are all now faced with those things everyday.

As I write this letter to you, I am still not sure what tomorrow will bring. I am not sure if we will go to war tomorrow, if another terrorist attack will occur, or if things will just stay the same. But, I do know that something will happen soon. Our respected and strong President George W. Bush said, "Freedom was attacked by a faceless coward... and freedom will be defended." I have a lot of faith in our great President and I know that he will protect his country, our free and great nation, to the best of his abilities. "Our nation is peaceful, but fierce when stirred to anger," said the President.

Right now, this nation of ours is feeling something it hasn't in a long, long time. Franklin Roosevelt called it "the warm courage of national unity." For once, people of every race, religion, and culture have come together. Let me tell you, it's a wonderful feeling. Every where you go you see American flags waving proudly and defiantly. It truly is an amazing sight.

Through all of this, we shall overcome and live freely again. But, my dearest child, there is one thing I want you to remember- neither death nor life nor angles nor principalities nor powers nor things to come nor height nor depth can separate us from God's love (Romans 8:28).

Love,

Your Mother

It's strange looking back on this now. It was so long ago. And now I actually have a child. A life I wish to protect above my own. May we always remember those who lost their lives that day. May we remember the heroes and the families that were left behind.

WHO AM I ?!?!?!

It's official... after seven weeks of motherhood, I have no idea who I am anymore. I have lots of ideas of who I should be and who I want to be. But, as far as who I actually am? No clue.

My mind has compiled a list of possibilities to choose from: wife, mommy, Andrew's food supply, Daddy's best friend, sister, daughter, aunt, friend (probably not a very good one right now), housekeeper, trashman, diaper changer and poopy wiper, launderer, personal chef, maid, baker, organizer, shirt ironer, lunch maker, playmate, snugglemate, paci finder, grocery shopper, exerciser, eater, baby calmer, cry soother, book reader, bath giver, cow.... so on and so forth.

Some of those titles, I'm not exactly excited about. But hey, poop won't wipe itself. Others, like snugglemate, I'm totally into. However, all those titles on the list have become my life in the past seven weeks. I now remember, quite fondly, of being home alone at 38 weeks pregnant, sleeping until 10am everyday, eating everything, cleaning house all day, taking naps, and knocking out my to do list daily. It was awesome. I was PRODUCTIVE! However, productivity looks different on the other side of the fence now. Being productive means something completely different these days. It isn't about my to do list anymore. Sure, I still make a mental list everyday of the things that need to get accomplished, but usually only one or two items gets crossed off on any given day. Now, productivity isn't about the quantity of tasks completed- it's about quality. That means quality time with my son, quality naps for him, quality meals for him, quality learning time, bonding time, snuggle time. With all of those things to accomplish, the dishes don't get done as fast and the laundry piles up a bit more than usual.

And, it's time for me to learn that that is ok. I am a stay at home mom. Not a maid. Not a personal chef. I didn't quit my job to take care of household duties. I quit my job to raise our son. Yes, of course, the household things are still part of my duties, but they aren't my first priority, Andrew is. Why is this so hard for me to learn? I kinda thought I was going to be super -mom. I would have a genius baby and a perfectly polished house, a place where nothing was ever dirty or out of place. Now I'm lucky if I can wash my hair or change clothes when I get puked on. And to be honest, I really wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. I love my job. I just can't seem to remember the job description very well. Stay at home mom. What does that entail? A MOM who STAYS at HOME. How hard is that? Mom, not maid, not chef. Mom. Got it. Stay at home. Home, my home, not yours, not the mall, not the grocery store. Stay at home and be a mom. This, my friends, is not for the faint of heart.

Being a stay at home mom is hard . The hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than keeping a 3.8 GPA in college. And it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. More rewarding than graduating magna cum laude. It's hard, frustrating, dirty, isolating, amazing, joyfully sweet, precious, wonderful. It's been a lot for me to adjust to. Life was always wake up, get ready, go to school or work, come home, sleep, repeat. Now the days are so different. And each day looks different, and yet eerily alike.

I'm struggling with my job title. I want to be all those things on the aforementioned list. Most are needs, some are wants. I want to raise my son and have a clean house. But, as I'm learning, it's all about priorities. He is my priority, the dishes can wait. It may drive me crazy to have a dirty house, but teaching my son, snuggling and bonding with him are just way more important. So, it's time I let myself off the hook. If we have a bad day, that's ok. If I don't get any housework done, it's ok. The world won't end. And my husband won't even care in the least bit. But what if he comes home and the house is spotless, a perfect dinner is waiting on him, but our son's needs haven't been met all day and he's sitting in a corner hungry, dirty, wet, and tired? Yeah...

Andrew is why I am at home, he's the reason I'm not sitting behind a desk answering a phone right now. I'm not home for the dishes and the laundry. I'm here for Andrew. So, here is my job title- one I can stick to: Stay at home wife and mom. All the other titles will work themselves out eventually and who knows, maybe one day I will become supermom who can do it all. But for today, I'll settle for some snuggles... and a shower. :)