Sweet Jiji, today is July 15, 2010, just eight days away from your due date. To be honest, I thought that you would have already made your grand entrance by now. And to be even more honest, I feel like I am becoming more insane with every day that passes without your coming. In short, I am so very ready for you to enter this world.
I have been holding you since the day you were first created. Since the day two cells joined together and started making lots of little cells. I've held you everyday for the last nine months; but for me, that isn't enough. I need more. I need to see your face, to look into your eyes, to kiss your cheeks, and hold you tightly in my arms. You and I know each other so well and yet at the same time we are still strangers. You know me (and my insides) in a way that no one else does. And I know you more than any other human in the world does right now. And yet, we have never met face to face. I don't know what or who you look like. Or even what gender you are! I don't know your personality, besides the fact that you love to kick, get hiccups all the time, and are a night owl like your daddy. I don't know what color your hair is, what color your eyes are, the shape and curves of your face. It's a mystery to me. You are a mystery to me.
I think about you being knit inside of me, every little centimeter and inch of your growing body being carefully crafted by the Lord. It blows my mind. I remember the very first time I heard your heart beating. It was the most terrifying day of my life, I thought I was losing you. And then, in an instant, I heard your heart beating wildly at the doctors office. My life has never been the same since that day. I've never been the same. That's the day I became a mommy. That is the day I fell head over heels in love with you. Suddenly, you weren't just a thought anymore, you were real. So real. Flesh and blood with a heart that beat and beat and beat. My baby. I never expected you and yet now I cannot begin to imagine life without you. And I cannot even begin to imagine what life will be like when we finally meet face to face. Will you know me? Will you know that I'm your mom? Will you recognize your daddy's voice? You know him, he is the sweet and silly one who sings and talks to you all the time. I hope you recognize us and find comfort in our arms. I hope you know how much you are loved the instant that you meet us. I hope you are overwhelmed with love.
There are so many things that I want for you, sweet baby. I want you to learn. I want to teach you all about the Lord and the Word and the world and life and all there is to know. I want to tell you who Jesus is, what He did for you , and how He loves you more than I could ever dream to. I want to open the Bible to your little eyes and heart, sharing all the stories and Truth that the Lord gave us. I want you to see the stories leap off the page and into your imagination and heart, transforming your heart of stone into a heart of flesh who knows that there is no life without the Lord and the grace of Calvary. I want your life to be passionately about following after Him, abandoning everything else to seek Him. I know that may mean that He may take you away from me one day. He might send you to a country or land far away for His glory's sake, and although I cannot begin to imagine that, I hope you always know to follow His leading and not mom's. His ways are higher and greater. His dreams for you are even bigger than my dreams for you. And He will love you and protect you and care for you in a way that even mommy can't. Remember, He created you, not me.
I want to teach you colors and numbers and letters. I want to watch your eyes as you figure things out. I want to see your world grow and expand every day as your little brain grows and grows and stores more knowledge. I want to help you with your homework, your reports, teach you to read, teach you to make your bed and brush your own teeth. I want to teach you how to type, how to grow vegetables, how to bake a cake for your dad. I want to teach you to honor your father and to respect elders. I want to teach you another language (although Daddy may not like me teaching you Russian). I want to share your dreams and your delights. I want to be your best friend and your mentor. I want to be your cuddle buddy, your security blanket, your mommy. I want to hold you, kiss you, squeeze you, make you feel better when you are hurt or sick. I want to show you that you will never be alone in this world. I want you to watch me and Daddy. I want you to see how much we love each other and learn from us what marriage and fellowship mean so that one day you can find love for yourself. I want you to watch us and see that faith is real every day, not just on Sundays. I want you to see us fail so that you can learn what it means to forgive, to repent, and to rely on God's grace and mercy. I want you to watch your father and learn what a man of God really looks like. I want you to see his example and either live up to it (if you are a boy) or to seek a mate like that one day (if you are a girl).
I want your daddy to teach you how to memorize Scripture, how to love the Word passionately, how to play the guitar and piano. How to love people and enjoy fellowship with others. How to play basketball and ping pong. How to style red hair (if you happen to have red hair), how to be a faithful friend, and how to love unconditionally. I know that Daddy is going to be your best friend. He is definitely the better of the two of us. I cannot wait to see him hold you for the first time, I think it will be one of the best days of my whole life. He is going to teach you so much and love you so much that I don't even have the words to express it with! He's already crazy about you and he can't wait to hold you himself. I hope you know that your daddy is a picture of God's love for you. Your daddy loves you so much, would do anything to protect you and to see you grow, and he is here to teach, lead, and when necessary, correct you. When you see your Daddy's love for you, know that God's love for you is even bigger, even better, even more perfect. I bet you won't even be able to imagine that!
I hope you like the home we have set up. We worked hard to get it ready in time for your arrival. Daddy worked so hard to paint your room and bathroom (and the whole house!). I painted you a mural on your wall, a tree with a monkey in it. I hope you like it. Your granddaddy made your changing table. It's beautiful. And your Aunt Emily got you that glider so that we could have somewhere nice to have our 3 am feedings and story times. And your grandmomma got you the bedding you will be sleeping on. Its cute, I hope you like it. I put a teddy bear in your crib, it is one that your daddy gave me. His name is Drew Bear, and I know that he will take care of you and comfort you just like he did for me.
There are so many people that love you, sweet Jiji. So many people that can't wait to meet you. Your Aunt Amanda is ready to evict you from your current womb because she is dying to meet you face to face. And your Cousin Nathan can't wait to play with you. Oh my, you have a lot of cousins already: Jacob, Caleb, Joshua, David, Elly, Zech, Blake, Brittany, Michael, Matthew, Maddy, and Nathan. You will have plenty of friends to play with! We will go visit your Uncle Ken and Aunt Shannon down in Atlanta and go swimming at Uncle Eric and Aunt Amanda's house. I'm sure your Aunt Marie will be babysitting you all the time and spoiling you rotten. And if she doesn't, I know for a fact that your four grandparents will spoil you rotten like you can't even believe. They all love you so much and are so ready to meet you.
Sweet baby, I am so ready to meet you and I hope you decide to come soon. I know it could be up to three more weeks before we meet face to face, but I'm hoping that you will make it sooner. I love you so very much and I am so anxious to see your face for the first time and hold you in my arms. Daddy and I love you and always will. I hope you know that will never change, we will always love you and we will always be here for you- your biggest fans and best friends.
Come, soon, sweet Jiji. Mommy's ready.
Love,
Your Mom
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